by dishpantheism

i had to put lola down. i had so wanted her to die peacefully in her sleep one night. but she didn’t. her hips just became increasingly bad until one day she couldn’t lift herself up anymore. i contacted the vet and had to wait a week to have her come to the house. i’d never been witness to this sort of animal death before. dogs on ranches are most often shot and that is the kind of dog death i grew up with. cats take themselves away to die alone in the chaparral. i think lo’s death was as painless as it could be but it was so fucking hard to watch. i feel guilty because i think she knew something bad was happening when we carried her out under the pine tree and a stranger arrived. thankfully the vet (who i’d never had dealings with before) was so wonderful and empathetic and cried right along with me. though i sobbed uncontrollably and looked like a member of KISS by the time all was done. poor old bean. she had a very long life. she was at least 14 (though i suspect she was closer to 16 or 17) which is pretty damn good for an old cow dog. i will miss that stubborn old gal. 

had offer of two separate library jobs. really wanted to take the first one on offer but too many things were not in place for a long distance move so i had to decline. but i took the second job offered me and it’s at a library i love very much. that does please me. it’s just so very good to have library work again. even though this changes the course of my immediate future and is disappointing in some pretty major respects, i am so grateful to have work i enjoy. i’m glad to have coworkers who are respectful and passionate about what they do too.

internet has been fiddly here for days. super annoying. mostly because i suddenly seemed to have all sorts of paperwork to do which required a stable internet connection. give me a minute and i’ll think of some other trivial thing to bitch about.

going to the mountains for a few days. tuolumne meadows amongst other places. i very much need a break. too bad i couldn’t squeeze in some foreign travel whilst i’m at it. as much as i have loved visiting places that are off the beaten track at some point i’d like to visit the usual european destinations. i have a feeling most of them will bore me. but i do love old buildings. and europe is filthy with those. 

i have so little news worthy of reporting. i need to work on that.